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  • 家庭暴力不是家庭纠纷 家庭暴力不是家庭纠纷
    本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛本文来源:“对家暴说不”群组官博

    由御树林枫 资料收集

    按:中国应用法学研究所副研究员陈敏在一堂名为“婚姻中女性的心理调试及危机处理”的课上指出:“家庭暴力不是一种家庭纠纷。家庭纠纷发生时,双方处在平等地位,大家都有机会说出自己的意见和看法。家庭暴力往往是家庭纠纷的升级,施暴者是用暴力让对方服从自己,双方的地位是不平等的。因此,家庭暴力应定义为一方控制另一方的手段。家庭暴力给家庭造成的伤害往往大于人们的想象,对子女来说,父亲与母亲间发生家庭暴力的消极影响,绝不亚于直接对子女施暴造成的影响。”

    以下节选自她的论文《关于家庭暴力认定难的思考》 来源:中华人民共和国最高法院—中国应用法学网:

    国内外多学科研究发现,加害人实施暴力的动机与目的,是为了控制受害人,以确立自己在家庭中的“霸主”地位。表面上看,引发家庭暴力的原因形形色色,各不相同,但在这一切表面原因的背后,加害人强烈的控制欲望,是引发家庭暴力唯一的、也是共同的动机。不管是伤害受害人,还是当着受害人的面自虐或自杀,不管是不同意分手,还是为了达到分手目的,加害人实施家庭暴力的目的,都是为了让受害人顺着自己的指挥棒转。[4]

    长期以来,我们把家庭暴力称为家庭纠纷。但家庭纠纷与家庭暴力有着本质的区别。“纠纷”指争执的事情,即双方因为某件事各执已见,不肯相让。纠纷双方或一方也许会感到愤怒和无奈,但不会有暴力,也不会感到恐惧,因为双方是平等的,不涉及一方要控制另一方的问题。家庭暴力则不然。家庭暴力是一方为达到控制另一方的目的而采取的暴力手段。“控制”的意思是使某事或某人处于自己的占有、管理或影响之下。即双方地位不平等,一方处于占有、管理或影响另一方的地位,另一方处于被占有、被管理或受影响的地位。暴力关系中,一方利用身体上的强势来迫使相对方服从。在离婚诉讼中,这种控制可以表现为逼受害人撤诉,也可以表现为逼其同意离婚、或者逼其放弃财产权利。不管出于什么目的,暴力都是控制手段。

    家庭暴力成为加害人控制受害人的有效手段,原因之一是社会对家庭暴力的本质缺乏了解,误以为这只是夫妻纠纷,从而容忍甚至助长了这种行为。

    [4] Lundy Bancroft,Why Does He Do THAT?,Berkley Publishing Group, 2002。更多精彩文章及讨论,请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
    • 姐姐,算了吧,别同他们讲了,大家的意识形态不一样,能听的早就听了,听不进去的,又是多少的是非.
      从夫妻是合作这个概念上,我觉得同他们是生活在不同的世界.这样冷冰冰的定义,还能指望什么?
      • 不给她们看。是给需要的兄弟姐妹们看。怎么区分正常的家庭矛盾和家庭暴力
    • 国内外多学科研究发现,加害人实施暴力的动机与目的,是为了控制受害人,以确立自己在家庭中的“霸主”地位。。
    • 虐待者的心理 虐待者的心理
      本文发表在 rolia.net 枫下论坛文章来源:“对家暴说不”群组官博


      由 御树林枫 转载 来源: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

      虐待者往往认為自己很独特,真的跟别人很不同,因此不用像其他人一样遵照同样规则。但是虐待者并非独特,他们有很多相同之处,包括他们的思考和行為方式。以下是其中一些特点。

      找藉口
      虐待者不会為自己的行為承认责任,他只会试图以藉口辩解自己的行為。比如:“我的父母从不爱我”或“我的父母打我”或“我心情很差,而当我走进去看见混乱一片,我便无法控制我的脾气”或“我不能让她那样对我讲话。我没有其他选择”。

      谴责
      虐待者将罪行的责任从自己转移到别人身上,让他可以辩解他自己的虐待行為,说其实是那个人“促使”他有这行為。比如:「如果我管教孩子的时候你不干涉,我便不用打他们了。」或者他可能说:「她按动我的开关。」这些话是怪责受害者。如果他真的有不同的开关,她便会按动“吸尘”而不是 “打我” 的开关。

      重新定义
      虐待者会转变谴责的战术,使他可以重新定义环境,让看起来问题不是出於他,而是出於别人,或是外边的世界。比如,虐待者没有照他所说 6 pm 回家吃晚饭;他 4 a.m. 回来。他说:「你真的是很差劲的厨师。我為什麼要回来吃这些垃圾?我打赌孩子们也不吃这些。」

      成功的幻想
      虐待者相信如果其他人不 “左右” 他,他会有钱、有名或非常成功。他用这个信念去為自己的行為辩解。虐待者也用说话践踏其他人使他自己看似更加优越。

      撒谎
      虐待者以谎言去控制情况从而控制可取用的资料。虐待者亦使用谎言去使其他人,包括受害者,心理上不平衡。比如,当他撒谎的时候,他表现很诚实的样子;当他说真话的时候,他表现出欺骗的神情;而有时候他在明显的谎言中揭露自己的真正面貌。

      以為
      虐待者常常以為他们知道其他人的思想或感觉。他们的假设让他们為他们的行為自辩,因為他们以為他们“知道”在某情况下另一个人会怎样想或做。比如,「我早知道你会因我放工后去饮啤酒而发怒,所以我想我最好还是留在外边享受一下。」

      超乎规则之上
      我们说过虐待者通常相信自己比其他人好,所以无须跟随普通人跟随的规则。这个也是定了罪的罪犯的典型态度。每一个监狱内的囚犯都相信虽然其他囚犯是罪犯,他自己却不是。一个虐待者会显示他的 “超乎规则之上”的想法,比如当他说:「我不需要虐待者介入工作。我跟那些其他男人不同。没有人有权质问我在家所做的事。」

      愚弄其他人
      虐待者混合战术去操纵其他人。战略包括撒谎使其他人生气,為要看看他或她的反应,并煽动其他人争执。或者,他会试图用魅力应响他想操纵的人,假装有兴趣接触或关心那人,从而得到她或他的欢心。

      分割式生活
      虐待者通常把虐待行為跟其它生活部份分割。比如,他会虐待家人,但是他并不会虐待外边的人;或者虐待者星期日早晨会到教堂,但是星期日晚上便虐待他的妻子。他不感到他的行為有什麼不一致,相反地,他觉得合理。

      轻谈事件
      虐待者会试图以某种方法描述事件,使它的严重性看起来较轻,好减少他的责任。比如:「我不是很狼狠的打你」或者「我没有打所有孩子;仅是打其中一个。」

      含糊
      含糊地思考和说话让虐待者避免责任。比如:「我晚了因為我回家途中要做一些事。」

      愤怒
      虐待者实际上不一定比其他人更易发怒。但是他们蓄意显得愤怒,目的是控制环境和别人。

      强行的把戏
      虐待者用不同的战术去强行挑其他人的错。比如,当受害者还在讲话时他便走出房间,或者加大声量盖过受害者的说话,或组织其他家庭成员或相识去“联手”对付受害者,躲开孤立她或批评她。

      扮受害者
      间中虐待者会假装无助或扮作被迫害,目的是操纵其他人去帮助他。在这情况,虐待者觉得如果他得不到他想要的,他便是受害者;而他使用受害者的假面具去报復或愚弄其他人。虐待者通常声称自己是受害者好让他可以避免在法律上的责任。他可能说她才是有暴力倾向的人。他会展示很明显的自卫伤痕,比如牙齿痕或抓痕,并声称她 “袭击”他。或者他会说她身体上的伤痕是他试图阻止她伤害她自己时造成的。

      戏剧性及刺激性的感觉
      虐待者通常选择不跟其他人有紧密关係。他们用戏剧性及刺激性的感觉去取代紧密关係。虐待者发现观看其他人生气、争斗、或起骚动十分刺激。通常他们会混合使用前述的不同战术去营造戏剧性及刺激性的形势。

      关闭沟通渠道
      虐待者不会多讲自己的事和他的真感觉。他亦不想知道关於他自己的新资料,比如其他人怎样看他。他爱藏匿、思想封闭、和自以為义。他相信他在任何情况都是对的。

      所有权
      虐待者一般有很强的佔有慾。而且,他相信任何他想要的东西都应该是他的,而对於任何他的东西他有权随意对待。他以这种态度对待人和财產。他以这逻辑去合理化控制性的行為、伤害其他人身体、和拿取他人的东西。

      自我颂扬
      虐待者通常认為自己强壮、优越、独立、自给自足、和很有男子气慨。他心目中的理想男人图像通常是牛仔或冒险家的类型。当任何人讲或做任何不配合他的光荣自我形像的东西,虐待者都视作侮辱。



      Abusive people typically think they are unique, really so different from other people that they don't have to follow the same rules everyone else does. But rather than being unique, abusers have a lot in common with one another, including their patterns of thinking and behaving. The following are some of their characteristics.
      Excuse Making

      Instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, the abuser tries to justify his behavior with excuses. For example: "My parents never loved me" or "My parents beat me" or "I had a bad day, and when I walked in and saw this mess, I lost my temper" or "I couldn't let her talk to me that way. There was nothing else I could do."
      Blaming

      The abuser shifts responsibility for his actions away from himself and onto others, a shift that allows him to justify his abuse because the other person supposedly "caused" his behavior. For example: "If you would stay out of it while I am disciplining the kids, I could do it without hitting them." Or he may say, "She pushes my buttons." Statements like this are victim blaming. If he really had buttons she could push, she would push the one that says, "vacuum" instead the one that says, "hit me".
      Redefining

      In a variation on the tactic of blaming, the abuser redefines the situation so that the problem is not with him but with others or with the outside world in general. For example, the abuser doesn't come home for dinner at 6 p.m. as he said he would; he comes home at 4 a.m. He says, "You're an awful cook anyway. Why should I come home to eat that stuff? I bet the kids wouldn't even eat it."
      Success Fantasies

      The abuser believes he would be rich, famous, or extremely successful if only other people weren't "holding me back." He uses this belief to justify his abuse. The abuser also puts other people down verbally as a way of making himself look superior.
      Lying

      The abuser controls the situation by lying to control the information available. The abuser also may use lying to keep other people, including his victim, off-balance psychologically. For example, he tries to appear truthful when he's lying, he tries to look deceitful even when he's telling the truth, and sometimes he reveals himself in an obvious lie.
      Assuming

      Abusive people often assume they know what others are thinking or feeling. Their assumption allows them to justify their behavior because they "know" what the other person would think or do in a given situation. For example, "I knew you'd be mad because I went out for a beer after work, so I figured I might as well stay out and enjoy myself."
      Above the Rules

      As mentioned earlier, an abuser generally believes he is better than other people and so does not have to follow the rules that ordinary people do. That attitude is typical of convicted criminals, too. Each inmate in a jail typically believes that while all the other inmates are criminals, he himself is not. An abuser shows "above-the-rules" thinking when he says, for example, 'I don't need batterer intervention. I'm different than those other men. Nobody has the right to question what I do in my family."
      Making Fools of Others

      The abuser combines tactics to manipulate others. The tactics include lying, upsetting the other person just to watch his or her reactions, and encouraging a fight between or among others. Or, he may try to charm the person he wants to manipulate, pretending a lot of interest or concern for that person in order to get on her or his good side.
      Fragmentation

      The abuser usually keeps his abusive behavior separate from the rest of his life. The separation is physical; for example, he will beat up family members but not people outside his home. The separation is psychological; for example, the abuser attends church Sunday morning and beats his wife Sunday night. He sees no inconsistency in his behavior and feels justified in it.
      Minimizing

      The abuser ducks responsibility for his actions by trying to make them seem less important than they are. For example, "I didn't hit you that hard" or 'I only hit one of the kids. I could have hit them all."
      Vagueness

      Thinking and speaking vaguely lets the abuser avoid responsibility. For example, "I'm late because I had some things to do on the way home."
      Anger

      Abusive people are not actually angrier than other people. However, they deliberately appear to be angry in order to control situations and people.
      Power Plays

      The abuser uses various tactics to power trip others. For instance, he walks out of the room when the victim is talking, or out-shouts the victim, or organizes other family members or associates to "gang up" on the victim in shunning or criticizing her.
      Playing Victim

      Occasionally the abuser will pretend to be helpless or will act persecuted in order to manipulate others into helping him. Here, the abuser thinks that if he doesn't get what he wants, he is the victim; and he uses the disguise of victim to get back at or make fools of others. Abusers will often claim to be the victim in order to avoid being held accountable by law enforcement. He may assert she was the one who was violent. He will display what are clearly defensive wounds, such as bite marks or scratch marks, and claim she "attacked" him. Or he will declare that the physical marks on her were caused when he was trying to keep her from hurting herself.
      Drama and Excitement

      Abusive people often make the choice not to have close relationships with other people. They substitute drama and excitement for closeness. Abusive people find it exciting to watch others get angry, get into fights, or be in a state of general uproar. Often, they'll use a combination of tactics described earlier to set up a dramatic and exciting situation.
      Closed Channel

      The abusive person does not tell much about himself and his real feelings. He is not open to new information about himself, either, such as insights into how others see him. He is secretive, close-minded, and self-righteous. He believes he is right in all situations.
      Ownership

      The abuser typically is very possessive. Moreover, he believes that anything he wants should be his, and he can do as he pleases with anything that is his. That attitude applies to people as well as to possessions. It justifies his controlling behavior, physically hurting others, and taking things that belong to them.
      Self-glorification

      The abuser usually thinks of himself as strong, superior, independent, self-sufficient, and very masculine. His picture of the ideal man often is the cowboy or adventurer type. When anyone says or does anything that doesn't fit his glorified self-image, the abuser takes it as an insult.更多精彩文章及讨论,请光临枫下论坛 rolia.net
      • 施虐者最典型的心理就是“超越规则”。我们说过虐待者通常相信自己比其他人好,所以无须跟随普通人跟随的规则。
        • 我们这个坛子里很多人认为法律的规则无需遵守,何其相似呀~~~~~
    • 对, 地瓜和土豆, 不能混为一谈
      • 有人就是喜欢把水搅浑
    • 还是没看出来纠纷和暴力的区分和确定的条件 -- 怎么样纠纷就成了暴力。关于暴力的原因,不完全是控制,可能还有利益。为什么暴力方有超强的控制,单单是控制偏执狂吗?有时间再讨论吧。或者有机会查查。
      • 就是控制。利益也可以通过协商来解决。协商不成就动手或者开骂,就是为了达到控制的目的,让别人无条件地屈从自己。
      • 你打算怎么查啊? 查什么?作者引用的原文,出自最权威的家暴研究专家。这个专家还是个男性。看来人真是有百种啊。世上有正直的超越性别角色的男性。
        • 我知道的就是 LAW ENFORCEMENT 有一套评估的标准。有心理学家测试评估等等的。简单的是 QUESTIONNAIRE, 复杂的更多。这篇文章只字未提职业评估,很是令人疑惑。我不在 LAW ENFORCEMENT 系统里,估计在这系统里做过的知道是怎么回事。
          • 哈哈,你不在这个系统里居然敢说你知道怎么回事,真是无知者无畏~~对了,好像你昨天说你修过这方面的课?你做SOCIAL WORKER?
            • 我学过心理学的一些很浅薄的课程。也学了一些有关的小小课程。我不记得我说过我知道是怎么回事。如果有,请指正。给个 LINK 好了。我不知道你说的“无知者无畏”是什么意思。比学历,比情商,比经历,这里没有什么意义。
              • 贴子太多了,懒得查,我就是求证一下,因为声称自己有专业知识的太多了。OK,现在已经确认你不是SOCIAL WORKER。
    • 家庭暴力不是家庭纠纷,家庭纠纷也不是家庭暴力。这两者怎么区分开,是很富有争议的讨论。
      • 只要动手,就是暴力。难以区分的是冷暴力精神虐待之类的隐性暴力。看对方的本质和目的是不是出于控制,就很容易辨别。我们GROUP里就是以这条标准来划分自己的家庭矛盾
        没有哪个人是完美的,没有哪个家庭是没有矛盾的,关键在于处理矛盾的方式,是理性协商还是用暴力胁迫。
        • 这条线画的好,肢体暴力不是个模糊的概念,对肢体暴力肯定是零容忍. 言语暴力可能不太好界定?
          • 我们一个姐妹跟家暴前夫离婚后再婚很幸福。再婚老公跟前夫的区别就是,当夫妻有矛盾时,前夫用辱骂甚至动手来解决,再婚老公用讨论和协商来解决。
            • 当你遇到一个你愿意协商她觉得你怂的女人的时候,你就知道什么是无可奈何。而且有些女人就喜欢打你要害揪着你小辫子不放
    • 其实很简单,家暴是精神病,mental disorder ~ 没有那么多劳什子 ~ 精神病轻微的可以药物控制,严重的不适合组建家庭 ~ 精神病有很多种,家暴并非是唯一的表现形式 ~
      • 心理问题跟精神病还是有差别的。我个人认为,家暴的问题还是一种心理问题和价值观的问题。其成因大多是家庭原因。一般施虐者的父母之中(抚养人),至少有一个扮演这种角色,可能是父亲,也可能是母亲。
        • mental disorder 遗传 ~ 抑郁症、强迫症、妄想症、。。。
          • 不是物理遗传,是家庭文化传承。但是人的成长过程,家庭原因是一个方面,主要还是个人的自我选择。这就解释了为什么一个家庭很多兄弟姐妹,有的成了ABUSER,有的没有。
            • 是物理遗传,心理和精神问题都是脑子问题神经问题,没有本质区别,只有程度区别 ~
    • 正常的就事论事的讨论问题,是好事,值得鼓励。
      • 呵呵,你还真不配说这话。
        • 我就觉的咱配,咋办呢?
          • 你就是觉得你是毛泽东,我也没办法呀,对吧?你这两天不顾事实放的冷箭还少吗?
            • exactly....说你自己想说的事,说清楚了,就完了。至于别人配说什么话,该说什么话,脑子里怎么想的,为什么要说那些话,还是留给别人去吧。
              • 既然留给别人了,就别一再二二再三地解释了。你自相矛盾得连我都不好意思看了
          • 好心态.赞
        • Attitude is very important for fair discussions unless you would like to get this way back. Please treat people the way you want to be treated.
        • 老猫我觉得是肉连上心理最健康的童鞋之一 ~
          • 最近也快被绕进去了
          • 据说很多人对心理健康的定义就是,能强大得把黑的说成白的
    • 估计被打得不轻, 可怜可怜, 同情同情。
    • To be fair, the article cited was quite sensible. So, the key difference is whether the other side has an option to disagree -- or whether one would take No as an answer. In this sense, wasn't 汉代蜜瓜 practising forum violence by her style here?:-)
      Or was she trying to use this article to carry out some reflection on her own behavior?
      • Impose -- is what I see from her other than educate.
        • Google Translate: "征收 - 是我从她的其他比教育。":-)
          • WANG translate:凌驾 -- 是我从这里看到的。它替代了应有的“教育”。
      • 瓜瓜让人联想到重庆的薄书记, 在他的英明领导下打黑变成了黑打, 反家暴要从根源反起,分析家暴的形成过程,要用公正的眼光去分析,以瓜瓜为首的一帮家暴受害者是不适合担当这个角色的。